12 Years and Counting

So today marks the 12th anniversary of my venture into motherhood. Twelve years. It's not a very long time, is it?

However, what if I were a doctor? Twelve years of experience is a lot of experience. What if I were an attorney? After twelve years I would be an expert in a certain field. If I were a teacher (one who actually works), I would have been assigned an apprentice by now. If I had spent twelve years at any other occupation, I would feel confident in my skills and abilities and might even consider myself an expert. I might have been promoted!

But none of that really applies to motherhood. I've been doing this for twelve years, and after twelve years I don't have anything right. I go to bed nearly every night pondering what I did (or didn't) that I should (or shouldn't) have done. Well, I really only ponder on the nights I can stay awake for 60 seconds after my head hits the pillow. Every morning I get up and pray I can be a better mom today than I was yesterday. Honestly, after some really bad days, it's not hard to be better today than yesterday. But for the most part, it's a conscious effort everyday.

After twelve years, I can't say I'm an expert. I still look to moms with way more experience than me and learn from them. Unfortunately, they don't have all the answers either! However, if baking counts for anything, I can make excellent sugar cookies, killer brownies, and am comfortable experimenting with food.

After 12 years of motherhood, the only thing I know for certain is that there is a love that never stops. And when you think you can't possibly share that love, you have another baby and the love multiplies. And that love is what makes us lay in bed at night trying to figure out how to do it better tomorrow.

When we brought Braxton home from the hospital 11 years, 364 days ago, my dad took me aside and said, "Your job as a parent is to pick them up when they fall. Brush them off, and send them on their way again. It will be easier when they are little, but picking them up gets harder and harder as they get older. But you just remember, your job is to pick them up."

Today, I will celebrate 12 years of picking up and brushing off. How empty and useless my life would be if I didn't have this job.

Happy Birthday, Braxton.